Disappointment and Gratitude.

After sleeping through 4.5 days, my body decided that it was FINALLY going to let me stay awake and get on with life and work.  And after 5 days without any human contact and a great deal of feline contact mostly in vying for my own bit of room on the 'full' sized mattress I returned to work where I got less than stellar human contact and dim fluorescent lighting.  My co-workers are all married, and either with child or already have them running around breaking things in the home.  In the next few months two of my co-workers will have left on maternity leave.  Leaving a whole two other women in the department who already have children.  Even the men are married with children or homeowners who are going to get married and have children.  I seem to be odd man out and so have no real basis of comparison it seems since I don't want to argue with those who can't see it about why Sarah Palin is a moron or hear why so and so on such and such a team just made or broke their fantasy ball team - bores the crap out of me.  But I digress. Needless to say work is a bit like being all alone in a crowd these days. I don't want to get in on the negativity about management, it's all been said and nothing done, and I don't cherish being reminded I've got nothing in common with my co-workers anymore when I used to have lots, or at least something I could talk about besides being in pain and being cheesed about it.  I generally try and keep my headphones on, listen to books and do my job the best I can.  But this is not much of a life.
After a less than satisfactory Doctor's visit today I was told even back surgery wouldn't stop the pain in my legs that makes me want to climb the walls using my finger nails. Lately the pain is more than the 'patch' and the pain killers for 'break through pain' can handle.  Sadly, I know why people with chronic pain go insane and do stupid things.  I figured that surgery on those bottom herniations would relieve some of that leg pain and I could maybe get much more of my life back where I could do the things I used to when I wasn't having a Lupus,  Fibromyalgia, or Sjogren's flare up.  Taking more drugs isn't working for me. I hate it as I can't think clearly without...MORE drugs and I hate taking them as they make me fat, slow, tired, and clench my jaw very hard where I give myself a headache and that's all just to get out of bed in the morning.
Now, my dad is one of the most 'calm and at peace with himself, and his God' type people I've ever known of or seen.  His advice to me is to pray and to be constantly grateful which you forget when you're kicking, crying, and flailing about like a 3 year old having a tantrum, or being the subject of an exorcism, just to try and get some relief to the pain in your legs. The entire bottom half of your body's muscles have seized up so tight that you could play those muscles like a banjo if there wasn't all the other stuff in the way. These spasms feel sort of like when you hit your funny bone very hard but find nothing funny about that weird pain.  Problem is this leg pain doesn't go away in a few seconds, it makes itself comfortable and waits up for the late late show.  I've always had an amazing tolerance to pain, but this pain turns me into a crazed idiot, and I'm the first to admit it.  Breaking bones doesn't hurt the same way and doesn't last as long. 
So how do you remember in the midst of all that to be grateful?  Well, that's the lesson I'm trying to learn.
So maybe now I'll start a list of the things I am grateful for and maybe try and put it somewhere I can look at it a bit more often than I do my blog.

Things to Be Grateful for
1  My parents.  They are not only still living but healthier than I am.  While I am adopted I could not be any more their child than I already am.  Especially my dad, we are so obviously cut from the same cloth, though I'm an odd mix of my parents who are quite polar opposites of each other.

2. Living in the USA - I see how women in other countries have it and I've never been so grateful to have my freedom to be who I am and do what I wish.

3. Ability to support myself and keep a roof over my head and a car in the drive.  I wish I were more so so I could help my family and others more and not live from pay check to pay check - hey, I LIVED for a few years and now I'm glad I did or I'd have missed out.

4.  Sense of humor. If you can't laugh, you are a sour dried up useless person.  laugh at yourself and anything you can find as long as you're not hurting someone to do it.  Or at least pay them for their trouble.

5. My education.

6. My friends. I'm as rich in friends, though they be far away or on different work schedules. I really got lucky to know some wonderful people.

7. Nature.  I love the beauty this is in the most simple leaf. Put it all together and it's mind blowing.

8. Men.  God, I love 'em.  My grandmother once asked me if I was gay.  She figured since I drove a pick-up and went diving with all men that I was gay and said, " You do like men...DON"T YOU????"  I told her I had a hard time keeping my hands off them in the subway.  This both alarmed her and eased her mind.  Quid pro quo, in a way.
And I do so miss the company of men like back in my old diving days when we'd all go out and get stupid after diving. It's not for the physical/romantic I like them so much (though that sure is great!), I just love their company - So much more fun and adventuresome than talking about shoes and fingernail color.
9. Cats. what an amazing a perfect beast a cat is.  I still need homes for my guys as 4 cats and one sick woman in a 250 sq. foot apt. it too much and I'm sort of a one cat woman.  My last baby I had 18 years and I'm still not over losing him but I'm grateful I had his companionship and love. We didn't look a like, but we sure thought alike!
10. Curiosity.  When you stop wondering, you stop learning. Then you're basically just using up good air.
11. fast cars.  I love sports cars and going fast. Now, if I could just do without all the tickets!!
12. living on wetlands. Sure, I argue with raccoons over their strolling into my house with their dirty pond muck feet stinking and messing up the place uninvited. I don't go in THEIR den do I? But the quiet, the wind, the bird songs and being at one with my little bit of nature away from all that is the city and humanity is wonderful when I have it to myself.  Sure the mosquitoes are hell in the summer, but it's beautiful to see sunrises, sunsets and all those stars!!  In winter I can build a fire outside and enjoy the night. Folks who only know buildings, concrete and mechanical noise don't know what beauty there is in nature.  It's wild.
 13. Sailing. Between a few friends and teaching myself by single handing,  I have found a passion for sailing that is up there with the best of things in life!  I had my own 25 ft. Sailboat I bought cheap off an old boyfriend who was desperate to get rid of it and it was the best purchase other than my old Spider, I'd ever made! not only did I find a passion that still sings in me and has since I was young, but I know that if I have a boat, I'll always have a home even if it is smaller than this place! I will get another sailboat before it's all said and done.  I also met lots of people sailing who played wonderful parts in my life, but I realized I had a real knack for the sea and I gained a lot of confidence in myself and abilities learning how to sail that boat all by myself.  It was pure heaven.
14. New Orleans. It'll always be my home though home is a place I'm a bit shaky on in this world.  For all its problems it's still an incredible place filled with people like no where else in the world.  And as messed up as it is, I'll always take me back with open arms and we'll muddle through it together somehow.

Okay, with that thought in mind, I"m going to hit the hay and try again tomorrow. This list is to be continued.

Be well all!