The circle of life.

The older we get the more we see those we know and love grow old as well. Today, I attended the funeral of a dear friend whose father passed away. The open casket thing always weirds me out a little bit as I keep expecting them to move some little tiny bit and their lips are so tightly sewn together that they look as if they are trying hard not to say something. And, of course since I am the world's nosiest person, I want to know what that something is; the answer to life, the universe and everything? Which is 42 for all you Hitchhiker's Guide fans. What he would have liked to have said now that there are no consequences? A summation of the life he lead?
My friend was having a really hard time and did his best to keep his emotions under control, but you could see how intense the grief was for him. I wish there was more I could have done.
There was good turn out of mutual friends and so nice to see some of them I'd not seen in almost 2 years despite the fact a few live only 5-8 miles from me. Working odd hours and their having wives and kids and day jobs makes finding common free time near impossible. They all look the same, but more adult. Myself, I remain remarkably immature despite the shock of gray hair at the hairline of my forehead. It's started there and is slowly working towards the back. If I wear a hair band, it's like I've a black wig over the gray. Gotta find the time to dye the damned thing.

After the funeral, I ran some errands had a coffee with my buddy Jim and an early meal with the folks at a diner. Now I'm completely shot and think a nice cocktail and maybe a movie is a good way to end the day, but there's so much crap that gets left for the days off that when I sleep through the my 1st day off after the work week, I have to cram it all into the next day and there's not enough time to do it all AND try and have any sort of social life.

I used to be a very very social adrenaline junkie. I'd spend my weekends sailing (single handing even when I owned a boat) or scuba diving with the good folk at Captain Mike's Dive Shop in the Bronx, or playing with the 1979 Alfa Romeo Spider Veloce' I owned and restored a number of years back or just hanging with friends and going hiking, drinking, what have you. Then I did a wreck dive on the U.S.S San Diego and did not compensate for the steel tank when I put my weight belt on and over weighted myself so that trying to climb up the ladder in very rough seas did something that herniated two discs in my lower back and from then on not only give me lower back pain but pinched some nerves that send pain down the back of my legs (one or the other, sometimes both) that is like the pain of hitting your funny bone or the pain you feel when your leg falls asleep and there is a feeling that comes after the pins and needle part stops that feels like the muscles are constricting or cramping severely for a moment. However, the pain I get in the back of my legs, this constricting of the muscles and cramping feeling isn't quick. It goes on and on and no amount of stretching or Tylenol, Ibuprophen will stop it. It literally drives me mad, bringing me to tears or spending half the night up walking around trying to 'stretch out' this horrendous pain. I've always had a high tolerance to pain, but this one literally bring me to my knees. Then add Lupus and Fibromyalgia to the mix and I bet it would make Arnold Schwarzanegger whimper like a little girly man.
The Lupus started showing signs in blood tests many years ago, but I hadn't had any 'flair ups' of any significance. But shortly after 9/11 I got Epstein Barr from working 50 hours a week and going to school full-time which brought on severe exhaustion and Fibromyalgia started often leaving me looking like I was drunk I was so tired. Having unknowingly herniating my neck (one major herniation that has left a permanent muscles in my neck and shoulder) and two bulges were from the end of 2001 when I tried to go skiing without having a cocktail before hand. I know what you're thinking. You'd have broke your neck if you'd been drinking, but I learned a long time ago, that since skiing kind of scares me a little since I'm super bad at it and my skis were wrong for me, but I was too cheap to get new ones, I do better when I have a drink or two since I loosen up and my fear of being out of control minimizes and I do a lot better. I realize this isn't logical, but of the many times I've gone skiing I've always found it to be so. Therefore when I wiped out and whacked my head so hard on the ground despite having tucked my chin to my chest and tried to break my fall, it still slammed into the earth and I was on my back facing up the mountain! I must have flipped in the air somehow. So feeling like I'd been chewed up and spat out I went into the bar and had a few gin and tonics and went back out to do 10 more runs which were 100% better - faster, more controlled, easier and I felt that I wasn't leaving the mountain with it having beaten me.
When I got up the next day and couldn't move my neck left or right without serious pain, I know that mountain had one and I was never going to be a good skier. It wasn't until years later when I started feeling the effects of the Lupus and Fibromyalgia that I got MRIs and saw all the damage. They had asked me if I was ever in an accident, and I'd said no. I had always thought of an accident as a car accident and was defined by not being able to get up and walk away from it. Having gotten up and walked away from all the horseback riding crashes and skiing ones, I never thought of them as having an accident, just pulling a muscle here and there. I figured I played rough and occasionally I was going feel it, but this was something new, and after the lower back herniations from diving was when the Lupus began showing its what it was capable of: exhaustion and pain like I'd never known before and wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Soon the diving stopped and then later after a year or so the hiking and the even the kayaking slowed down significantly. It was hard to get to work every day (the hellish commute didn't help) and I was just too tired and hurt too much to do very much. And in a year, everything in my life had changed and was turned upside down, and all the things I did to blow off steam, make me happy and gave me something to look forward to - defined me - was gone. Now after 5 years, I'm still not used to no longer being the me I used to be and I continue to try to find a way to find the girl I used to be. This is my adventure. It seems I am to learn how to take crap and use it as fertilizer instead of just being knee deep in stinking filth. It's going to be interesting to see exactly what I can do to give my life meaning and bring back the joy I used to feel in a new and different way. Here we go...