I decided that it worth it to stay a little longer on my vacation here in Barbados. I think it's the first time I've been really able to relax in quite a while. I even got to finish a whole book (that wasn't recorded) in between seeing a little of Barbados, a couple of trips to the beach and eating some wonderful food.
As is the case with most people with Fibromyalgia, I found the need to sleep quite a bit the days after I accompanied Linda to the beach. While being in the water was quite a heavenly experience, the sun does me in. Maybe it's the Lupus/auto-immune thing, but I found it hard not to keep falling asleep the next day despite meds to the contrary.
Sleeping for most of a day, even when it seems to be necessary often fills me with guilt. Guilt that I am missing out on part of my life and should be fighting it. It is a very big sign of depression, too so it's hard to know where one stops and the other starts and vice-versa. There is definitely a trip to see a doctor about having to adjust meds for this situation in my future!
But, I have enjoyed just being here and away from the world even though I have had some internet connection time. There is much less envy and resentment in the people here than a lot of places one goes for vacation. I have noticed that New York is set up very much to bombard you with advertising nonstop and showing you what other people have and what you should have, too if you want to be; happy, in, noticed, successful, etc. There is little in the way of how to just 'be'; enjoy the simple things, and how to be happy with what you have instead of needing things to make you happy.
I suppose there is a lot of judgment involved in the New York life. People stand outside of a club waiting to be picked to go in based on who they are, who they know or what they look like. I guess I'm a bit too old to waste my time waiting on line in front of a club to be judged as attractive or cool enough or being stylish enough. I don't choose to have someone have that kind of judgement over me and accept it. Hating house music or dance music loud enough to pierce ear drums is another factor that discourages me.
I have been reading " The Mozart Effect" a really remarkable effect about the effects of music and vibration on the human body and its potential to help and heal people. Granted there were bits in there that fell into the hokey category, but there was much more thought provoking and scientific proof than anything that made the eye brows raise.
Looking back to parts of my life, I realized that some of the happiest times were times when I was singing regularly. Sure, part of it is breathing, but sound vibration is a huge factor.
Everything vibrates. an atom is an is vibrating energy that gives it form and function. It's mostly empty space! I want to look into some of the workshops and clinics when I return to New York, as no one is more tired of having the sleepin' through life blues than I am!
I've been reading a lot more about Zen and getting a clearer understanding, but all is mere curiosity if I am not putting it into effect by meditating. This seems to be a bit of an issue with myself and another family member. One can talk about something 24 hours a day, but it means nothing if it is never put into action. Potential is lost if it is never acted upon. One lesson (among many) is to learn to talk less about things and do more. I wonder how I am going to motivate or challenge myself to do this effectively...
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
And away I go!
I hemmed and hawed but finally decided to take my friend Linda up on her offer to stay with her at a place she rents each year in Barbados. But at first I thought about all the stuff in my apt. that needs to be sorted, boxed up and disposed of in what ever way seems most fitting. Also, work has been a grand pain in the ass of epic proportion and I felt I needed to be there to keep face, and then I thought about all the complaining I do about not having any unmarried or un-intwined friends with whom I could go away somewhere with. I realized this was EXACTLY what I wanted and needed to do. So I've got a cat sitter (honesty and opposable thumbs being the requisites for that job) to watch the beasties and I threw some clothes and a couple of books in my bag and here I am!
It's wonderful here. The air is fantastic even in the sporadic rain storms which I very refreshing and peaceful. The land and the people are beautiful and the apartment makes my place look like a tiny little closet with a lot of cat hair.
Even lying in bed at night listening to the peeping frogs is a joy and fresh grilled fish and wonderful rum drinks is an idea way to nourish oneself!
I am still living sugar-free though I've been hitting the sugar-free candy of late and while I know it is no good for me and makes my tummy rumble, it fakes my mind out that I am eating something sweet so I don't cheat. The only thing I am relaxed about in the sugar category is alcohol. I don't drink much at all and especially not the way I did when I was a bar tender in new Orleans, so I figure it literally a treat that I won't abuse.
Traveling to the Caribbean always makes you think about what it might be like to live here full time. The problem being is how one would make a living if they weren't already independently wealthy. A writer or someone who worked over the internet could do so fairly easily, but motivation might not be something in great supply living down here.
Traveling with people can be heaven or hell and I've had some traveling companions in the past I wanted to dump in a swamp for the alligators to finish off, but I must say Linda has been a fabulous and generous companion and I super thrilled to be here with her. It's nice to just to sit around listening to the night and chatting away or being silent with no pressure to be or do anything that what you already are. Like a significant other or a chiropractor, a good traveling companion is worth their weight in gold! I enjoy people who are who they appear to be.
Life was so hectic and complicated before I left I thought I was going to lose my mind, but two days here and I'm already starting to unwind and feel like a 'normal' person. I brought some books on Zen and a book called "The Mozart Effect". I am looking for different ways in which to incorporate peace, calm and self healing into my life. No easy job with working with a couple of real wankers 40 hours a week not including the 3.5 hour round-trip commute. I would love to live a few blocks from work, but i don't wanna be so far from my folks, my good friends, and life on the wet lands which is my sanctuary as well as my self styled prison. I love the wind, the birds, the sound of nature that make up the audio-scape of my home life. In the warmer months when the landlords aren't there, I leave the doors and windows open and let the sounds of the wind in the leaves and the communication of the animals be my sound-track. A well placed wind chime also adds a lot to peaceful quality of the place.
Winter is quite and has advantages all its own but the shoveling of snow isn't a strong point for me and my back. I parked the car close to the road so I wouldn't have as much shoveling to do at the last big storm, but it was still a challenge and I was struggling. After about 8-9 minutes of this my neighbor came walking towards my house with his snow blower and dug out my car and made a path to my door. I was very grateful and practically gushed all over him with my thanks. It's very comforting to know there are kind, thoughtful people around you. Appreciate it if you have good neighbors since bad ones can make your home, your castle a living hell. Acts like the one my neighbor did for me and the invitation to come on vacation with my friend have really done a lot to look at humanity with a warmer and less critical eye. So much of how we are affected by the world has to do with our level of gratitude. If we find a lot of things that we are grateful for, we find less things that make a serious problem for us.
With all that in mind, advertising and t.v shows such as "the Real Housewives of Spoil Bitch, USA" and other shows akin to theses, make people envious. We're bombarded with things we're told we need or should have if we want to be noticed, cool, excepted, up-to-date, etc. We look at these silly, petty, rich women and think, " I should have that house, those things, etc., not her!" We see all the things on t.v. we're told we just gotta have or we even need. It's a non-stop campaign to get us to go buy more, more, more! None of it says, " you are wonderful the way you are and with what you already have." I do understand keeping the economy going, but whenever I purchase something I purchase it because it's necessary for my life or if it is a luxury that will bring pleasure to me and my family/friends. Nothing is purchased to show status or show off. Envy eats at the soul and creates unrest and disharmony. Having advertising and t.v. constantly filling us with these thoughts and feelings takes away from our happiness and gratitude and now that I am seeing how great an effect it has on us and our society, I wonder how others are dealing with the feelings it creates and how it has affected their lives. Are they more dissatisfied after watching all these people flaunting their wealth and bad manners? Does it sow deep seating envy into their lives where they become judgmental and resentful? I think it must have some effect such as that and I bet most of us aren't even aware of it.
It's wonderful here. The air is fantastic even in the sporadic rain storms which I very refreshing and peaceful. The land and the people are beautiful and the apartment makes my place look like a tiny little closet with a lot of cat hair.
Even lying in bed at night listening to the peeping frogs is a joy and fresh grilled fish and wonderful rum drinks is an idea way to nourish oneself!
I am still living sugar-free though I've been hitting the sugar-free candy of late and while I know it is no good for me and makes my tummy rumble, it fakes my mind out that I am eating something sweet so I don't cheat. The only thing I am relaxed about in the sugar category is alcohol. I don't drink much at all and especially not the way I did when I was a bar tender in new Orleans, so I figure it literally a treat that I won't abuse.
Traveling to the Caribbean always makes you think about what it might be like to live here full time. The problem being is how one would make a living if they weren't already independently wealthy. A writer or someone who worked over the internet could do so fairly easily, but motivation might not be something in great supply living down here.
Traveling with people can be heaven or hell and I've had some traveling companions in the past I wanted to dump in a swamp for the alligators to finish off, but I must say Linda has been a fabulous and generous companion and I super thrilled to be here with her. It's nice to just to sit around listening to the night and chatting away or being silent with no pressure to be or do anything that what you already are. Like a significant other or a chiropractor, a good traveling companion is worth their weight in gold! I enjoy people who are who they appear to be.
Life was so hectic and complicated before I left I thought I was going to lose my mind, but two days here and I'm already starting to unwind and feel like a 'normal' person. I brought some books on Zen and a book called "The Mozart Effect". I am looking for different ways in which to incorporate peace, calm and self healing into my life. No easy job with working with a couple of real wankers 40 hours a week not including the 3.5 hour round-trip commute. I would love to live a few blocks from work, but i don't wanna be so far from my folks, my good friends, and life on the wet lands which is my sanctuary as well as my self styled prison. I love the wind, the birds, the sound of nature that make up the audio-scape of my home life. In the warmer months when the landlords aren't there, I leave the doors and windows open and let the sounds of the wind in the leaves and the communication of the animals be my sound-track. A well placed wind chime also adds a lot to peaceful quality of the place.
Winter is quite and has advantages all its own but the shoveling of snow isn't a strong point for me and my back. I parked the car close to the road so I wouldn't have as much shoveling to do at the last big storm, but it was still a challenge and I was struggling. After about 8-9 minutes of this my neighbor came walking towards my house with his snow blower and dug out my car and made a path to my door. I was very grateful and practically gushed all over him with my thanks. It's very comforting to know there are kind, thoughtful people around you. Appreciate it if you have good neighbors since bad ones can make your home, your castle a living hell. Acts like the one my neighbor did for me and the invitation to come on vacation with my friend have really done a lot to look at humanity with a warmer and less critical eye. So much of how we are affected by the world has to do with our level of gratitude. If we find a lot of things that we are grateful for, we find less things that make a serious problem for us.
With all that in mind, advertising and t.v shows such as "the Real Housewives of Spoil Bitch, USA" and other shows akin to theses, make people envious. We're bombarded with things we're told we need or should have if we want to be noticed, cool, excepted, up-to-date, etc. We look at these silly, petty, rich women and think, " I should have that house, those things, etc., not her!" We see all the things on t.v. we're told we just gotta have or we even need. It's a non-stop campaign to get us to go buy more, more, more! None of it says, " you are wonderful the way you are and with what you already have." I do understand keeping the economy going, but whenever I purchase something I purchase it because it's necessary for my life or if it is a luxury that will bring pleasure to me and my family/friends. Nothing is purchased to show status or show off. Envy eats at the soul and creates unrest and disharmony. Having advertising and t.v. constantly filling us with these thoughts and feelings takes away from our happiness and gratitude and now that I am seeing how great an effect it has on us and our society, I wonder how others are dealing with the feelings it creates and how it has affected their lives. Are they more dissatisfied after watching all these people flaunting their wealth and bad manners? Does it sow deep seating envy into their lives where they become judgmental and resentful? I think it must have some effect such as that and I bet most of us aren't even aware of it.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Day 7...(cue dramatic music!)
I've done remarkably well staying away from sugar and I must stay I've feeling a LOT better! I eat quite a bit of fruit, but I know that's good for me and I'm not going over board with it. Well except today. I went grocery shopping and I think I've eaten half the groceries. It was really the first day I got any real sugar cravings and it might have been because being a slave to hormones, or that I've had such a bizarre and sleep altered (rather sleepless) week that it just caught up to me. So despite the desire to find cake and ice cream and eat 12 pounds of each. I've not done so.
I did manage not to eat any sugar today, but did some damage on some pistachios which will be filling in any area of my jeans not currently stretched to the limit. It seems one of the hardest parts of this journey is keeping the journal. I believe this is important to really understand what nutrients I'm getting, how many calories I really am taking in and how I've burned my energy. Whoever designed the cellphone app is great! It's showing me more information and patterns than I assumed it would. Now if I could figure out how to add 2-3 more hours to my day to add exercise and meditation.
I did manage not to eat any sugar today, but did some damage on some pistachios which will be filling in any area of my jeans not currently stretched to the limit. It seems one of the hardest parts of this journey is keeping the journal. I believe this is important to really understand what nutrients I'm getting, how many calories I really am taking in and how I've burned my energy. Whoever designed the cellphone app is great! It's showing me more information and patterns than I assumed it would. Now if I could figure out how to add 2-3 more hours to my day to add exercise and meditation.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
And so it begins 1•1•11 Day 1
I have decided to go a whole year without sugar. or rather processed or added sugar. This does not include the sugar found in fruits or veggies that is natural. It's a step towards better health and trying to find a way to get my big ol' butt into some of the clothes that are sitting in storage and so I can maybe get some of my life back. http://6changes.com/page/3
Has a LOT of good advice about making life changes so that you increase the likelihood that you succeed. Though I've been in bed for 7 bloody long and boring days, I actually got up and went out and walked down to the beach up another road and back to my house. I was only planning on being out for a few minutes but I got caught up in the dusk and how it made the sky and water seamless so I took some pictures though I have yet to figure out how to send files from my phone to my computer. I'm a bit of a techno moron sadly.
So I got out and got some exercise AND made it through the day without eating any added sugar (the evil white stuff! Worse than crack!)
I actually really like fruit so hopefully that will keep any kind of cravings from getting too out of control.
Has a LOT of good advice about making life changes so that you increase the likelihood that you succeed. Though I've been in bed for 7 bloody long and boring days, I actually got up and went out and walked down to the beach up another road and back to my house. I was only planning on being out for a few minutes but I got caught up in the dusk and how it made the sky and water seamless so I took some pictures though I have yet to figure out how to send files from my phone to my computer. I'm a bit of a techno moron sadly.
So I got out and got some exercise AND made it through the day without eating any added sugar (the evil white stuff! Worse than crack!)
I actually really like fruit so hopefully that will keep any kind of cravings from getting too out of control.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Resolutions
http://6changes.com/post/288452935/exercise
I've gotta say the idea of public accountability is pretty good. If you tell everyone what your habit change is going to be then you're going to feel the need to keep it up more than if no one but yourself knows about it. It's interesting that we are more accountable to others than ourselves, but I think that says a lot about how we feel about ourselves sometimes too. One of the things I need to do most is stop eating sugar. It's terrible for me an I have an awful sugar tooth. Worse than all the other things like dairy and wheat! So I guess my public proclamation will be to give up sugar for ALL of 2011. Scary, but I'll try it one day at a time. And keep tabs here and my FB page. We'll see how that goes.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Sunrise on a new day.
After a quite a few days in bed not feeling well and sort of depressed I couldn't sleep last night but was rewarded with the most beautiful sunrise! There are benefits to being a morning person I suppose, but sadly I work nights and only see these things by chance.
I finally pulled myself out of my miasma last night and went over my friends house who my family is sharing Thanksgiving with, and injected 3 of the turkeys that I will deep fry for today meal. It's our contribution to the dinner. AND I make my own fancy-ass marinade that has pretty much every spice in it but cilantro (which I loathe and wouldn't be fitting here even if I did like it) After I made a big ol' quart of this fancy marinade I injected the three turkeys while my friend kept me company and watched my bizarre and willy-nilly way of concocting the marinade that also includes fruit juices and whiskey. The injecting went quite well up until almost the last moment of the last turkey when I ended up squirting myself in the eye (the hot sauce in there stings!!) instead of getting it in the bird! But I am excited about how they will taste today when we deep fry them. They've had 12 hours minimum to marinade so that should be pretty yummy when I take them out of the deep fryer pot.
I've fried me many a turkey and have never burned myself (other than a bit of spattered oil here and there) nor burned down the house, garage, etc., but I have had more people tell me to be careful the last time I did one that I wanted to bop them on the head. As if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck! I guess northern men aren't used to women playing with fire. (giggle, snort, grin) Or at least not with 5 gallons of peanut oil to play with it with!
The funny thing is that folks up North here DO burn themselves and burn down their garages! While no one in the South, no matter how drunk we are when we are doin' 'em, ever does. I guess every culture has their innate gift.
My first time doing a deep fried Turkey up here in the North by myself was on the porch of my City Island apt. for my then boyfriend and his friends from back home in England. There was snow outside, but if anything went wrong I was only about 50ft from the bay so I could easily deal with any disasters. The first turkey was fantastic! The second" Well... not so much. I didn't wait until the peanut oil got back up to 350 degrees so the bird never got seared/sealed by the oil. I kept checking it cause it never floated to the top and couldn't understand why it didn't look right. The last time I tried to pick it up it just fell all to pieces back into the oil. EWWW! Deep Fried Turkeys are actually not oil at all the heat instantly sears the bird so that no oil gets into the meat during frying (if you do it right) and it seals in the juices so it's very very delicious! That turkey that fell apart ended up sitting in the pot for most of the winter. As soon as it got warm enough to actually get the oil to soften up a little I dumped the sludgy mixture into 5-6 plastic bags and into a box closed up nice and tight so that it could go to the dump. It had been too frozen to dispose of that winter and being frozen didn't smell thank goodness! But I'll never forget the lesson learned about deep frying and proper temperatures!
May everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving and remember all they have to be thankful for.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Gratitude continued.
I started listing things I am grateful for last month and found a sight from a friend http://www.gratitudechallenge.com/ which is a challenge to list daily for 21 days things that you are grateful for and I joined it today. Being someone who battles with depression I've been told that one of the ways that helps to put a dent into it is to daily remember what it is that you are grateful for before you go to bed or write it down regularly so that you start conditioning yourself to see the good instead of the negative. I am guilty of being too negative about myself where I would not let someone else say the things to me that I say to myself. Weird, huh?
Another thing that has been very effectual in giving me insight to those things in my head and my heart has been listening to Mother Night by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Which I highly recommend as a way to look at how to look at life and fix the broken parts. She's a wonderful reading voice, too! http://www.soundstrue.com/authors/Clarissa_Pinkola_Estes/ She also wrote a book called Women Who Run with Wolves which I've yet to read but look forward to greatly. Or you can find her on www.Amazon.com or www.Audible.com
Pumpkin is quite irritated with me for putting that little bit of anti-flea and tick stuff on the back of his neck. I've to to sneak up on him to do it and then he is convinced I'm trying to kill him instead of making him feel better. He's now slinking around the house trying to avoid me as I've suddenly turned evil again after being nothing but indulgent to him for 3.5 years. I love these cats and I guess I 'own' them as much as cats can be owned, but compared to my Simpkin I had for 18 years, damn they are dumb! But lord knows they are very good hunters! I've got to give them that!
Happy Thanksgiving! I've got to make marinade tomorrow and inject 4 Turkeys to deep fry tomorrow!
Another thing that has been very effectual in giving me insight to those things in my head and my heart has been listening to Mother Night by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Which I highly recommend as a way to look at how to look at life and fix the broken parts. She's a wonderful reading voice, too! http://www.soundstrue.com/authors/Clarissa_Pinkola_Estes/ She also wrote a book called Women Who Run with Wolves which I've yet to read but look forward to greatly. Or you can find her on www.Amazon.com or www.Audible.com
Pumpkin is quite irritated with me for putting that little bit of anti-flea and tick stuff on the back of his neck. I've to to sneak up on him to do it and then he is convinced I'm trying to kill him instead of making him feel better. He's now slinking around the house trying to avoid me as I've suddenly turned evil again after being nothing but indulgent to him for 3.5 years. I love these cats and I guess I 'own' them as much as cats can be owned, but compared to my Simpkin I had for 18 years, damn they are dumb! But lord knows they are very good hunters! I've got to give them that!
Happy Thanksgiving! I've got to make marinade tomorrow and inject 4 Turkeys to deep fry tomorrow!
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